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Too much Too soon

08 Thursday Nov 2012

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How much is too much to disclose on a first date? How much should you reveal when entering a new relationship? I am personally not a big fan of letting it all out, although the wine might disagree. I think we have to remember that too much info is a turn off. You shouldn’t misinterpret a few head nods or a properly timed response as interest. And don’t fool yourself into thinking that it is a good idea to talk about your ex-girlfriend, who you still find sleeping on your couch every once in awhile. The attractive man sitting across from you is probably more interested in seeing you clad in leather than how “absolutely adorable” your daughter looked as pumpkin last halloween. Jersey Shore is not mysterious and fantasy football is not seductive. The human mind has a tendency to fill in the blanks with positive traits. Make sure there are some blanks left to be filled in.

We all have a past. Some more colorful than others. No matter how interesting you think you are, don’t forget that getting to know someone is just that. Get to know THEM. It takes time, a long time, to really know someone. Don’t rush. It is a first date, not a storytelling contest.  My personal opinion is that a Brazilian bathing suit is better than a g-string. You need to leave a little for the imagination.

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Looks really do matter

06 Tuesday Nov 2012

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 Looks do matter: With any new information, the first step is accepting its validity. And in this case, it means absorbing an unpopular, but undeniable reality — looks matter and they impact relationships. As superficial as it may seem, it’s a truth most of us recognize instinctively, even if it’s one we hate to admit. So, while we like to believe, “it’s what is inside that counts,” clearly who we are and how we look matter to our partners.

Remember, for most of us, our first encounters with our mates involved physical attraction, from the initial exchange of smiles to that memorable first kiss. We become intoxicated by our mate’s scent, by the way they feel and the way they make us feel. Regardless of their “objective” physical appearance, they become beautiful to us. Our experience of our mate is most often based on a developing an interpersonal connection as well as an ongoing physical one. As the relationship evolves, the hope is that both will grow.

Our culture has come a long way in broadening the roles that partners play in each other’s lives. Women no longer simply attract a mate to stay at home and have babies. Men don’t just seek a mate to produce and protect a family. But physical attraction still matters in the success of relationships. And unless we find a healthy way to take that into account, we do a disservice to ourselves — and our partners.

Published on May 21, 2012 by Vivian Diller, Ph.D. in Face It

 

 

What men really mean……is it mean? No it’s what they really mean!

04 Sunday Nov 2012

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5 Deadly Terms Used By A Woman

(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they know they are right & you need to shut up.

(2) NOTHING: Means something and you need to be worried.

(3) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission, so whatever it is do not do it.

(4) WHATEVER: This is a woman’s way of saying, forget you.

(5) THAT’S OKAY: She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.

These are all pretty spot on and I actually blogged about the dreaded “nothing” always meaning something (a man did wrong). But here’s my take, from the male perspective, on 5 Things Men Say & What They Really Mean.

(1) “I’ll Call You Later”
The problem with this statement is interpretation, or better yet misinterpretation. While men will define the word “later” as any time after now, women tend to have a specific window of time that defines “later” as meaning as soon as I reach my destination. It’s like somewhere between the words leaving a man’s mouth (or fingers via text) and reaching a woman’s ears, she adds an additional word like “tonight” after “later.” When I say, “I’ll call you later,” it doesn’t guarantee that later will take place within the next 24 hours just what it means, I’ll call you later—whenever that may be.
Translation: He’ll call when he has the time or remembers.

(2) “I’ve Been Busy”
Now this is often the first thing a man says when he hasn’t called a woman “later.” It’s actually a very valid reason when there’s major life catastrophes going on (death in the family, moving, new job, moonlighting as a superhero, etc.) but more times than not “busy” just means occupied with something (or someone) else. We’ve all heard the saying that a man makes time for the things he’s interested, right? Well, unless he’s Bruce Wayne that’s generally true.
Translation: He’s probably not that into you.

(3) “Wow, That’s Interesting”
Chances are whatever you’re talking about is actually pretty darn interesting, unfortunately only to you. However, since it’s apparently important to you he’ll play along and fake interest just for the possibility of scoring with you.
Translation: Sorry, I wasn’t listening and I couldn’t care less.

(4) “I’m Not Looking For a Relationship”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; men usually tell women where their head is at from jump but most women just tend to ignore what we say. If a man tells you on the first date that he’s not in a space where he’s looking for a relationship but you are and still pursue this man for a commitment down the line; who’s at fault when things don’t work out? Exactly, you. What some women try to do is trick themselves into believing he’ll change his mind, but most men generally stick to their guns and if you stick around after he declares his desire to stay single he’s not wrong in assuming you’re with it. When I broke up with my last girlfriend after college I told myself I needed to be single and made that clear to any woman I met. While I may have been upset at the few that walked away after a few months because they wanted more, at the end of the day I respected their decision to do so because it made sense.
Translation: He’s telling you the truth.

(5) “What Are You Talking About?”
This is my general response when I’m being accused of something that’s probably true but I won’t admit to for whatever reason. For instance, a date asks, “Why were you looking at another woman’s butt?” My response, “What are you talking about?” It’s usually a knee-jerk response that I subconsciously use to kill time so I can come up with a valid excuse. It also works well at transferring the focus from me to her by making her think she’s crazy and/or paranoid. By time she’s finished defending herself, she’s either forgotten my discretion or I’ve had time to come up with an reasonably valid excuse.
Translation: He’s lying.

How true was the five phrases women say and what they mean? If someone says they’ll call you later do you assume that means the same day? Do you buy it when someone says they’ve been busy? Do you agree that people make time for the things they’re really interested in? Have you ever faked interest in something someone was talking about just because you liked him/her? Would you rather someone tell you they’re not interested or is that rude? Do you take someone at their word when they say they’re not looking for a relationship? Have you ever tried to sway someone on that decision? How’d that work out for you? What’s your thoughts on the list of things men say and what they really mean?

 http://nwso.net/2011/03/27/5-things-men-say-what-they-really-mean/

I am your Matchmaker

03 Saturday Nov 2012

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Can a matchmaker really find you a perfect match? This is what I do. I feel like I am extension of you when I am out finding a person that you are looking for. What you would like in someone, I like. What bothers you about someone, bothers me. To me its like an acting job, I take on your character, yet,  I don’t have any insecurities about getting all the info or being rejected or asking all the questions that you want to know. Because I am not out looking for me, I am looking for you. So it’s better than you doing it.  I am you when I see that beautiful girl or great looking guy that you would like and I ask the questions that you want to ask, I sit down and watch them behave.  I learn about them differently than you would. Their guard is more down with me and I can cut through all the BS. Then I know, I get that feeling that “yes they would be a good match for you.” Let me be you and find that match that you want to find. Let me go through that initial ‘meet’ to see if there is any potential to take a chance on for you. Wouldn’t it be cool if there was two of you?

GUY’S EYE VIEW Slept Together Too Soon? is a relationship doomed if you hop into bed on a first or second date?

03 Saturday Nov 2012

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uy meets girl. Guy likes girl. (Or maybe guy doesn’t even know her that well and merely thinks girl is kind of hot). No matter what the circumstances, the next step is pretty much always a given: Guy tries to have sex with girl.The notion of male undifferentiated lust is so widespread (and true) that it has spawned generations worth of recommendations to women on how to handle their suitors’ earliest amorous advances. Most, if not all, the advice has been along the lines of “If he can get the milk free, why would he buy the cow?” In short, the conventional wisdom among a lot of women I know is this: If you have sex with a guy on a first or second date—or worse yet, on the very night he strikes up a conversation with you at bar—then your chances for a long-term relationship with him are doomed.

In a recent Happen poll, 67% of you said you thought sex on the first date was a bad idea…only 17% felt it was fine.

But these days, shouldn’t you be able to have sex when you want and with whom you want, without worrying about it undermining your chances of enduring love? For the answer, I asked three men with very different perspectives to reveal what they think about women who’ll hop into bed at the drop of a hat—and what women can do and say that could convince a guy to keep calling.

Q: What do you think about women who sleep with you on the first or second date—does it impact whether you see her as a potential long-term girlfriend?

Jack (40 years old, divorced): Though the answer will no doubt send ripples of shock and disbelief throughout the female species, I don’t view the timing of the first occurrence of sex with a woman as an indicator of anything. Never.

Stan (35, never married): If a girl slept with me that quickly, I would consider it a deal-breaker. Men are wired to want to sleep with others more quickly because of instant gratification. But if a woman had that little self-control, it would not bode well for the future.

Alec (50, never married): In my mind, it doesn’t make a difference—as long as the woman understands that just because she slept with me, it doesn’t mean the rest of the relationship is also moving quickly. But I will say, it does sort of put pressure on the situation when you sleep together so quickly. It makes the getting-to-know-you part tougher. One or both of you may have expectations of what the next date will be like. For example, if you sleep over, what happens when one doesn’t want to sleep over the next time? Does the other feel slighted? Does it mean every date is a sleepover, and if it’s not that you’re regressing? It makes things tougher.

Q: Are there cases where you do sleep with a woman early on, but are still open to a serious relationship with her—say, if the sex is great, or you two really hit it off during brunch the next day, or she’s friends of friends?

Jack: Sure. Great sex only makes us want to be with you more. And if we hit it off after sex over brunch the next day, we consider it a win. Her being friends of friends has nothing to do with it; it’s a non-issue. In fact, if I don’t like her and she is a friend of a friend, I have to drop the blade sooner or the blow-back will be worse.

“Sleeping together quickly does put pressure on the situation. What happens if you don’t want to sleep over the next time?”

Stan: I think no, I would not be open to it. There was one girl I slept with on the first date, and we ended up having a relationship, but it was a woman I’d known and worked with for four months. But if it’s someone you just met and you slept with on the first date, there’d be no recovery from that. And I don’t think a woman should want to date a man who wanted to sleep with her on the first date. I don’t even try to sleep with women on the first date anymore.

Alec: This question is based on the idea that if you sleep together early on, you’re already thinking it will not be serious. So, in my mind, any man who rules out a woman who slept with him early on—well, he isn’t being very serious about finding a long-term relationship in the first place.

Q: In your experience, do you think women who make you wait for sex end up being better long-term partners?

Stan: I think they do make better potential long-term partners. As I’ve gotten older, I have realized there should be something sacred, private, and intimate about sex between two people. It’s a revelation and a sharing. I don’t think I would want to be with someone who’s so willing to share herself with others. I want someone who’s going to honor that aspect of herself and only share herself when it’s really appropriate.

Alec: Probably, yes. But it doesn’t work too well if she’s totally withholding physically early on. She needs to let you know she is receptive to sex with you and is holding off not because of lack of desire, but because she wants to get to know you more.

Jack:I disagree—in my mind, a woman who “makes you wait” is treating sex as a commodity. She’s trying to, as Pat Benatar once said, “use sex as a weapon” and trying to manipulate the outcome of the new relationship. If she feels the strength of a long-term relationship is contingent on when she “gave it up,” she needs to get in her time machine and leave the year 1952—which she’s obviously stuck in—immediately. As soon as she places such a high value on sex, she devalues the other, more lasting components of a successful long-term relationship.

“As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized there should be something sacred about sex between two people.”

Q: What, in your mind, is an appropriate amount of time for two people to be dating before sleeping together?

Jack: From the first date onward…

Stan: Probably three weeks to a few months. In this day and age, people are quick to make sex part of a relationship. It’s unrealistic to think you can be dating someone four months without sex. So, a few weeks to a few months.

Alec: Maybe five, six dates. But it’s very hard to make a rule for it. If there were rules about this stuff, it would be so much easier. I think it’s best if men and women talk about sleeping together and have some ease of communication established before they do the deed. Let’s face it, having sex changes the dynamics of a relationship.

Q: If a woman does end up falling in bed with you pretty quickly, are there things she can do to pave the way toward a longer relationship?

Jack: Yes. Don’t suddenly start withholding sex to “slow things down”. You want to have less sex or at least balance it with public, social interaction? Fine. We’re all for that. But we can’t undo the fact we had sex. Was it fun? Great, let’s do it again.

Stan: I think yes, if she convinces you that you’re special and that she doesn’t do this very often or hardly at all, if you feel there was something special between the two of you, then I think that would pave the way toward potentially overcoming that obstacle, if you will.

Alec: She should play it cool after the first time. If she sleeps with a guy early, then is a little evasive, it will drive him crazy and he’ll chase her more. This is the dirty little secret. If you tell women this, they will torture us forever.

Steve Friedman is the author of The Gentleman’s Guide To Life.

Does Texting Help or Hurt Romance? He Said/She Said

02 Friday Nov 2012

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He Said…
The problem with texting and dating is that too many men just don’t know how to do it right.

Funny, flirty, and confident messages will nurture the attraction between two people. This requires that men be original, think creatively, and author with purpose. As an example, when asking a woman for her phone number, I will text her immediately with a flirty message that says, “Who is that amazing guy you are talking to?” instead of saying “Hi,” “Thanks,” or “Nice to meet you.” Don’t forget, text messages are often reread. Send something that reminds a woman who you are or how you made them feel.

Another creative use of text messaging is to send pictures instead of texts. I happen to love women’s shoes and enjoy women who appreciate their footwear. So if I’m looking forward to seeing someone or want her to know that I’m thinking of her, I’ll take a picture of some great heels and send it to her with a message that says, “You would look great in these” or “Thinking of you.” If you don’t have the stiletto fixation I have, you could do this with something more fitting to your situation. In these cases, the messages are short, confident, and flirty. Style almost always trumps the substance of a text message, since anything “substantial” should be said in person. If the message would better be “said” than “read,” then you probably shouldn’t send it.

At the beginning of a relationship, first impressions can certainly be ruined by poorly conceived texts. Words, when used thoughtfully, can evoke powerful emotional responses in people. Next time you send a text, make sure it’s not just making conversation or replacing what should be a phone call. Messages should be used to elevate conversation. If you can do this, chances are that women will appreciate it, text you back, and look forward to hearing from you.

She Said…
Texting definitely detracts from attraction.

Dating is all about getting personal, and texting is by far the most impersonal method of communication — a girl can’t derive any useful personality traits from a “Sup” text. This makes misinterpretation the biggest danger of texting in the early stages of dating. The action itself will speak louder than its contents, usually saying one of the following:

1.“I’m scared of you.”
Every time you communicate with someone, the recipient is aware that you had multiple methods available. You could have called, e-mailed, showed up at her doorstep, sent a singing telegram — the possibilities are endless. When a guy texts, it’s clear he chose to do so, leaving the suspicion that he’s too scared of you to actually speak with you, doesn’t have clue how to start a conversation, or is suffering from a social anxiety disorder. None of those things are sexy. Ever.

2. “I don’t really care if you respond or not.”
A text loosely translates to: “I don’t really care about you. It might be fun to go out tonight, and it would be awesome to have sex but I’m too tired/bored/uninterested to make any real effort. So if you get back to me, great. If not, I can finally catch up on Lost. Bonus if you drive over here and I can do both.”

3. “I just sent that text to every single woman in my address book.”
…And he will mostly likely hook up with the first girl who answers, unless of course a much hotter girl gets back to him before he gets Girl No. 1 back to his place.

If a guy genuinely likes a girl, he should want to talk to her. Plus, the act of talking has another positive outcome — it boosts his chances of success. It’s easy to ignore a one-line text message, especially if it’s a chain of lowercase letters and numbers, such as “u want 2 go out 2nite?” A nice, deep, human voice? Now, that’s harder to turn down.

By Koryn Kennedy and Abraham Lloyd
http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/dating-texting-romanceRead more:
 Dating and Texting - Should You Text Your Date? - Marie Claire

Don’t Settle – Find the Right Match

30 Tuesday Oct 2012

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The most important thing is to be able to have that one person who just gets you . Watching couples and people in general throughout my life, I often wondered what the heck do those people talk about when they get home? How can he stand her? How can she stand him?

Then there are those people that socialize all the time because they don’t want to be home alone with this person whom they have nothing in common with as a couple. But they stay with each other, too afraid to leave , too tired to try. There are so many people out there to chose from that it seems  overwhelming. Most people think just being with someone is better than being alone.

I want to help you find that person that gets you. I want you to be excited about meeting new people and realizing that there is someone out there that is the perfect match.

I can help you; I want to help you!