Sex with your ex

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You see it on TV all the time – a divorced couple hopping into the
sack for some afternoon delight. There’s even a song devoted to divorce sex from the television show “Cougar Town,” with the line: “It’s the best….but you’ll regret….sex with your ex…..”

Nobody talks about it but everybody’s doing it

Despite
how common it is, it’s not easy finding much research done on divorcing
and divorced couples getting that final hook up. There’s a lot out
there about dating after a divorce, but there isn’t much exploration of
that dirty little window of time between separation and divorce or just
after your divorce when for lots of all-too-human reasons a lot of
people fall back into old, familiar patterns, back into old, comforting
sexual routines with their exes. I suspect the lack of public
conversation is because most folks don’t want to talk about it. They just want to do it. The secrecy, the absurdity, the naughtiness is what makes it so hot.

Luckily,
people tell me stuff. So gathering all of my expert investigative
reporting skills I have discovered certain patterns that emerge in
ex-sex that I think are worth noting. See if any of these sound
familiar:

Hot Hate Sex: You’ve got two people who have a tremendous amount of energy and chemistry between them that looks and feels like hate.
They
trash talk each other endlessly to anyone who will listen (alas, most
often the kids) and seem stuck in the white-hot heat and intensity of
divorce in its earliest and meanest phase. OF COURSE THE SEX IS HOT.
Basically, you’ve got two adolescents rampaging on the hormonally
adolescent-like fumes of grief, rage, relief, terror and revenge.
It can happen once and flame out. Or it can sizzle for a while, until
it crashes. Both ways end badly. You can’t sustain it. All the old
wounds and rawness and resentments come tumbling out from under the
sheets with you. Usually one person (the woman) has harbored some tiny
fantasy that you might, despite it all, be able to get back together now
that the sex is hot and when that inevitably doesn’t happen, and things
inevitably get ugly again, it hurts all the more. Again.

Elle France/ Dating Agent

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Elle France/ Dating Agent

Chemical Attraction

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There are so many choices for everything these days …. Realtors, Doctors, Hairdressers, and even Matchmakers. Like with anything you choose, you want what is right for you. This belief should also apply when picking a Matchmaker. You need to have faith in the Matchmaker , and make sure they get you What you want. Which is really what it boils down to, What you want. You don’t want someone telling you that your choices are wrong , you want someone to know what you are attracted to, and what type of person is going to make you release Adrenaline and Dopamine when you see them. Your Matchmaker has to understand you and has to think like you .Because falling in love isn’t planned , it just happens. Its all in the hormones.

Do the holidays remind you how much you hate being single?

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Or do they make you feel great because you don’t have to deal with anyone else and their family? My thinking is, these damn holidays keep getting closer and closer and closer. So if your single or with the wrong person you need to reevaluate your life and remember that, every second you invest in the wrong person is a second you’re not looking for the right person.”

Having another set of eyes out there helping you look, isn’t such a bad thing after-all.

Who is giving you dating advice anyway?

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Sometimes we think listening to what other people say is better than trusting what we already know. When you are in a relationship or starting a new one the basic principle is that the more people involved in it the more difficult it gets. Everyone has an opinion and they are most likely wrong when it comes to your relationship.

If you want your relationship simple and stress free, keep it between two people. If you are private about your personal life you will be much better off.

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What is a cougar anyway?

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On the prowl…

A Cougar,is a woman in her sexual prime who prefers to hunt, rather than be hunted.

Usually she is between thirty-five and fifty years-old and enjoys the company of younger men. Its become so mainstream and accepted that a lot of people are jumping on the bandwagon. ROAR!!

There are younger men who are sick and tired of women their age — they want a woman who is more grounded and more mature. Age is just a number.

The paradox, of course, is that the older-woman relationship makes perfect sense when it comes to life expectancy, with women outliving men by an average of five years. But with men’s fertility far outlasting women’s, biology makes the case for the older-man scenario, and recent research has even suggested that older men having children with younger women is a key to the survival of the human species.

Why should there be anything unusual about it? It is only our preconceived notions which dictate that women should be in relationships only with slightly older men or that two individuals should be in more or less the same age bracket. There are many older women, younger men relationships that have worked and been as successful as any other relationship.

When two individuals decide to make it work and are committed to the relationship, there is nothing that can come in the way, least of all a decade or two!

 

Too much Too soon

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How much is too much to disclose on a first date? How much should you reveal when entering a new relationship? I am personally not a big fan of letting it all out, although the wine might disagree. I think we have to remember that too much info is a turn off. You shouldn’t misinterpret a few head nods or a properly timed response as interest. And don’t fool yourself into thinking that it is a good idea to talk about your ex-girlfriend, who you still find sleeping on your couch every once in awhile. The attractive man sitting across from you is probably more interested in seeing you clad in leather than how “absolutely adorable” your daughter looked as pumpkin last halloween. Jersey Shore is not mysterious and fantasy football is not seductive. The human mind has a tendency to fill in the blanks with positive traits. Make sure there are some blanks left to be filled in.

We all have a past. Some more colorful than others. No matter how interesting you think you are, don’t forget that getting to know someone is just that. Get to know THEM. It takes time, a long time, to really know someone. Don’t rush. It is a first date, not a storytelling contest.  My personal opinion is that a Brazilian bathing suit is better than a g-string. You need to leave a little for the imagination.

Looks really do matter

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 Looks do matter: With any new information, the first step is accepting its validity. And in this case, it means absorbing an unpopular, but undeniable reality — looks matter and they impact relationships. As superficial as it may seem, it’s a truth most of us recognize instinctively, even if it’s one we hate to admit. So, while we like to believe, “it’s what is inside that counts,” clearly who we are and how we look matter to our partners.

Remember, for most of us, our first encounters with our mates involved physical attraction, from the initial exchange of smiles to that memorable first kiss. We become intoxicated by our mate’s scent, by the way they feel and the way they make us feel. Regardless of their “objective” physical appearance, they become beautiful to us. Our experience of our mate is most often based on a developing an interpersonal connection as well as an ongoing physical one. As the relationship evolves, the hope is that both will grow.

Our culture has come a long way in broadening the roles that partners play in each other’s lives. Women no longer simply attract a mate to stay at home and have babies. Men don’t just seek a mate to produce and protect a family. But physical attraction still matters in the success of relationships. And unless we find a healthy way to take that into account, we do a disservice to ourselves — and our partners.

Published on May 21, 2012 by Vivian Diller, Ph.D. in Face It

 

 

What men really mean……is it mean? No it’s what they really mean!

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5 Deadly Terms Used By A Woman

(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they know they are right & you need to shut up.

(2) NOTHING: Means something and you need to be worried.

(3) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission, so whatever it is do not do it.

(4) WHATEVER: This is a woman’s way of saying, forget you.

(5) THAT’S OKAY: She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.

These are all pretty spot on and I actually blogged about the dreaded “nothing” always meaning something (a man did wrong). But here’s my take, from the male perspective, on 5 Things Men Say & What They Really Mean.

(1) “I’ll Call You Later”
The problem with this statement is interpretation, or better yet misinterpretation. While men will define the word “later” as any time after now, women tend to have a specific window of time that defines “later” as meaning as soon as I reach my destination. It’s like somewhere between the words leaving a man’s mouth (or fingers via text) and reaching a woman’s ears, she adds an additional word like “tonight” after “later.” When I say, “I’ll call you later,” it doesn’t guarantee that later will take place within the next 24 hours just what it means, I’ll call you later—whenever that may be.
Translation: He’ll call when he has the time or remembers.

(2) “I’ve Been Busy”
Now this is often the first thing a man says when he hasn’t called a woman “later.” It’s actually a very valid reason when there’s major life catastrophes going on (death in the family, moving, new job, moonlighting as a superhero, etc.) but more times than not “busy” just means occupied with something (or someone) else. We’ve all heard the saying that a man makes time for the things he’s interested, right? Well, unless he’s Bruce Wayne that’s generally true.
Translation: He’s probably not that into you.

(3) “Wow, That’s Interesting”
Chances are whatever you’re talking about is actually pretty darn interesting, unfortunately only to you. However, since it’s apparently important to you he’ll play along and fake interest just for the possibility of scoring with you.
Translation: Sorry, I wasn’t listening and I couldn’t care less.

(4) “I’m Not Looking For a Relationship”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; men usually tell women where their head is at from jump but most women just tend to ignore what we say. If a man tells you on the first date that he’s not in a space where he’s looking for a relationship but you are and still pursue this man for a commitment down the line; who’s at fault when things don’t work out? Exactly, you. What some women try to do is trick themselves into believing he’ll change his mind, but most men generally stick to their guns and if you stick around after he declares his desire to stay single he’s not wrong in assuming you’re with it. When I broke up with my last girlfriend after college I told myself I needed to be single and made that clear to any woman I met. While I may have been upset at the few that walked away after a few months because they wanted more, at the end of the day I respected their decision to do so because it made sense.
Translation: He’s telling you the truth.

(5) “What Are You Talking About?”
This is my general response when I’m being accused of something that’s probably true but I won’t admit to for whatever reason. For instance, a date asks, “Why were you looking at another woman’s butt?” My response, “What are you talking about?” It’s usually a knee-jerk response that I subconsciously use to kill time so I can come up with a valid excuse. It also works well at transferring the focus from me to her by making her think she’s crazy and/or paranoid. By time she’s finished defending herself, she’s either forgotten my discretion or I’ve had time to come up with an reasonably valid excuse.
Translation: He’s lying.

How true was the five phrases women say and what they mean? If someone says they’ll call you later do you assume that means the same day? Do you buy it when someone says they’ve been busy? Do you agree that people make time for the things they’re really interested in? Have you ever faked interest in something someone was talking about just because you liked him/her? Would you rather someone tell you they’re not interested or is that rude? Do you take someone at their word when they say they’re not looking for a relationship? Have you ever tried to sway someone on that decision? How’d that work out for you? What’s your thoughts on the list of things men say and what they really mean?

 http://nwso.net/2011/03/27/5-things-men-say-what-they-really-mean/

I am your Matchmaker

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Can a matchmaker really find you a perfect match? This is what I do. I feel like I am extension of you when I am out finding a person that you are looking for. What you would like in someone, I like. What bothers you about someone, bothers me. To me its like an acting job, I take on your character, yet,  I don’t have any insecurities about getting all the info or being rejected or asking all the questions that you want to know. Because I am not out looking for me, I am looking for you. So it’s better than you doing it.  I am you when I see that beautiful girl or great looking guy that you would like and I ask the questions that you want to ask, I sit down and watch them behave.  I learn about them differently than you would. Their guard is more down with me and I can cut through all the BS. Then I know, I get that feeling that “yes they would be a good match for you.” Let me be you and find that match that you want to find. Let me go through that initial ‘meet’ to see if there is any potential to take a chance on for you. Wouldn’t it be cool if there was two of you?

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